Beautiful Chaos

   
      I'll be honest, life has been a bit chaotic lately. I really don't know where to begin...but maybe the best place to begin isn't with words. Maybe C.S. Lewis was right when he said

"Life is too deep for words, so don't try to describe it just live it." 

     Maybe the best place to begin is my life in mosaic, a piece-by-piece collection of the most precious moments in the past month. 

     Our "25 Days of Christmas," where we do one activity a day up until Christmas:

Christmas Bingo

Serving at our Church's "Christmas Bash"

Reading the classic "Santa's Stuck" (if you've never read it, it's a must)

Putting together our 20 piece Santa Puzzle; it used to take quite awhile, but as we've grown so have our puzzle skills 

Choosing a Christmas ornament

Family trip to Silver Dollar City

Our yearly trip to Winter Park, Colorado: 

     So yep, it's been a bit of a crazy month. And that's a big understatement. The older I get, the more I realize those who say that "time flies" are right. I've found that many of the moments I took for granted, will now only ever be memories.
     I've begun to appreciate the time my mom takes to write a little activity on a present every day of December, and the fact that they all rhyme. I've started to treasure the screams that echo through our house with our yearly snowball fight, which basically consists of close-range dodge ball indoors with crumpled-up pieces of paper. I've stopped feeding my frustration with being unable to describe life, and I've started to just live it. I've started to put one foot in front of the other, step out onto the shifting sand, and do my best to love all those I come into contact with as I continue on my journey.

     So where am I at right now?
     Right now I am half way through my junior year of high school. I have to keep reminding myself that yes, it's true. With that comes college searching, ACT testing, and lots and lots of praying. If I'm totally honest, I'm terrified. Was it really that long ago that I dreamed of growing up - of prom, of graduation, of college - feeling that it was all worlds away? Suddenly here it is, and I don't feel the least bit prepared. There are so many decisions to make, and I don't feel qualified to make any of them.

     Do I want to be close to home? Go far from home? East coast? West coast? What major do I want to pursue? Do I want to double-major? What about minors? Do I want my college to be affiliated with a certain denomination? A big college? A small college? Student to faculty ratio? Do I have a preferred tuition range? What about extracurricular activities? 

     There are so many questions and most of the time I just sit there with my mouth hanging open, get overwhelmed, shove away the pamphlets, and brush it off until later. Only now there's not much of a later. So there's a lot of researching, organizing, list-making, and mostly crying.
     Sometimes crying for lots of reasons. Sometimes crying for no reason at all. Sometimes crying because I'm feeling frustrated, hurt, angry. Sometimes crying because I'm feeling happy. Sometimes crying because I can't figure out what I'm feeling.
     Yes, life at the moment has much to do with college, making time for family and friends, thinking about the future, jobs, and internships, completing assignments and projects, setting aside moments for hobbies, and so many other things. Much of it is fun, exciting, and new, but I would be lying if I said life was easy right now. Life is chaos, to say the least. And chaos is overwhelming.

     But I've discovered there are 5 remedies for the worst days:

• a cup of coffee, just as much to hold as to drink
• a good book
• a shoulder to cry on
• playing worship music out loud, really loud
• lots of time spent on your knees praying (the world looks a whole lot different when kneeled in humility)

     

     Yes, lately there have been many days of busyness, fear, and loneliness which threaten to consume me, and on several occasions I have been brought to my knees with the realization that I have absolutely nowhere else to go. When things don't go the way I've planned, when people disappoint me, when I can't understand what He's doing, I find myself crying out, asking why I have to endure this chaos. 

     God however, despite my impatience and stubbornness, answers in His own time and in His own way. But oh, He answers. Maybe not how we expected, and maybe not with the answer we'd like, but He answers.
     My answer came in the book of Hosea, a beautiful picture of God's relentless love. In short, God tells Hosea to take Gomer, a prostitute, as his wife, and his unconditional love of her in her sinful state is meant to reflect God's love towards His people. One verse in particular resonated inside me as I clung to His truth one night:      

"In that day," declares the LORD, "You will call me 'my Husband'; you will no longer call me 'my Master'." (Hosea 2:16) 

      The Israelites wandered and searched for fulfillment in all the wrong places. And yet in the end, it was in their desperation that they would return to God by His grace and mercy alone. Only through their wandering, tiring, and being left thirsty could they see their need for the Well. And oh, what a shame it would be to come so close to the Well and not to drink.
     I see so much of myself in the Israelites. I, too, am weak, stubborn, and impatient. Yet at my lowest, there is hope in the undeserved love of a faithful God. The pain the Israelites endured led to an untapped intimacy with their Redeemer. No longer was He perceived as Master, but as Husband.
     See, in my mind, my master holds a connotation with being harsh and untouchable, where my husband is gentle and intimate. My master is above me, while my husband walks beside me. My maser is demanding, where my husband is giving. My master is rule-based, where my husband is love-based. My master is to be feared, where my husband is to be trusted. My master keeps track of my wrongs, where my husband is forgiving. My relationship with my master is based on my performance, where my relationship with my husband is based on his love.
     In the same way, maybe God is using my own suffering in the chaos to draw my heart ever closer to His. Maybe I will emerge with a deeper understanding of who He is, and find myself no longer calling Him Master (though He is most definitely that), but being able to call Him Husband.

     One of my newfound favorite authors, J.K. Rowling said this:

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

     I agree, however I believe the foundation is not the place itself, but the One who reaches out to us in our lowest moments - the One who holds every fear, hope, dream, every success and failure, the One who pursues us with a relentless and redeeming love.    
     Yes, my life is a mixture of happy chaos, sad chaos, and unknown chaos. But it is beautiful chaos. It is a place of desperate and complete dependence on God. His faithfulness is my undying hope. I will press on, because now not only do I have a Master who leads me forward, but I have a Husband who walks with me every step of the way.